Is This All There Is?

January 5, 2019 time: 0425

     So Sydney had to show me the fingers that he made with some outside finds of  Co2 cartridges and copper wire. For Christmas I got him another Freddy look-a-like glove, 3 bottles of latex, an acrylic paint kit with about 15 paint jars in it, a bad replica of a Freddy hat, Leatherface movie, and something else. I felt that it was slim pickings but he was happy with our little tabletop tensile tree and the pot roast he asked me to fix for Christmas dinner. It was just us two.
     He is excited that I am taking him to see Jim for the weekend, we are going to meet at a gas station because my car sits so low to the ground and I will no doubt get stuck on his mushy gravel and mud road. I will let Sydney stay for a few days, Jim says he will let him paint his ceiling that he cannot reach.
     Sydney was good in cleaning part of his room and I can see his floor now. I am still not happy that his therapists have changed after Artis has left to stay in Memphis versus traveling to Crime City Marianna. I will see in time if he is being helped.
     School is going just so-so for him. He has so much problems with math, I wish I could help him with it. I could but then as he progresses with my assistance then I would not be able to go any further only because of my short comings in math myself.

     I have been on antidepressants for 3 weeks and feel no difference, I will send my NP a message and let her know they are not helping. I saw Dr Li at NEA Baptist and she has now released me to a NP also. I told her that my chest now has gone numb but she said that she knew that I was not a good candidate for surgery due to my crappy bones and I have my first appointment with pain management in March ( I look forward to the nerve block now!!!), the soonest they could get me in. I sit here crying from just thinking of all the pain that I stay in. Dr Li said she was proud of me at my 9 month mark for stopping smoking despite the 50# weight gain. So size 6's sit in my closet while I fit into size 14/16 now. Depressing. She said that also did not help that even being on 50,000IU of Vitamin D I am still low 30-100 is normal and I am at 37. She told me to double up on them. She said that is also what is contributing to my depression and that I should get a sun lamp to help.
     My house has never been fully unpacked and put away, I just sit and look at it with no umph to get up and deal with it. Is this all there is for me now? The garbage men came yesterday and I will get rid of A LOT of stuff while Sydney is gone.
Maybe I will feel better if my place is in better shape. I will honestly try.