A Happy Birthday?

November 9, 2019 time: 1751

     I called Dad today and let Sydney talk to him to tell him, Happy Father's Day, PaPa. Sydney asked how he was doing and Dad replied,"Some days are up and down". Sydney proceeded to tell him that we were going to my friend Brenda's house tomorrow to go metal detecting. It was short, not so sweet as neither one of them knew what to say, then it was my turn for an awkward moment.

     I wished him a happy birthday and he told me that pastor (Dr Steve Gann) came over and gave him Communion. It seemed so final to me. It saddened me to hear that and my heart sunk as it has so many times in the last few months of his illness that will eventually take his life. As a Christian I should be happy, I'm still stingy, I want him here forever to give me his loving heart felt directions for life. He was and is good at that. Damn I wish I had learned how to type, I cannot see the keys through my tears.
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.......I will miss you

What will happen when I die?

July 23, 2019 time 0712

     Sydney is all but happy in his OCD world of horror prop making. He stayed with his father for the weekend and re-met a 21 year old boy and apparently they got along well. That makes my heart happy that he can meet people from time to time and not hurt him.
      Sydney takes his medication and all is working out fine with the Abilify now. Dr Baltz is a good doctor and though his therapy sucks, at least his medication is doing well now. His first therapist Artis  went back to Memphis, I don't blame her for not wanting to make the hour + drive back and forth, it's a grueling, boring drive, nothing but corn, soybean, and cotton fields on flat land. After Artis came Mattie who he sees now. She is pregnant and gets horrible sick and is constantly is out and Sydney may only see her once every 4-6 weeks unlike every two weeks. He has lost interest in going to her. Then there are his in home case workers, There was Ms Ruby, then Mrs Wade. We have another one I was introduced but now I have lost interest. No one but Dr Baltz has been constant.
     I was watching a TedX talk with Kerry Magro. I like him, he has overcome Autism to become a doctor. How exciting and I only wish the same for my son. He discussed a father who came to Kerry and asked him, "What will happen to my son when I die?" I often think the same thing.
   
     My health is crap. My cervical fusion failed, and the latest CT of neck shows "moderate compression" of C5-6 nerve and a little compression in C3-4. Nothing new, I stay in pain regardless of how I project my outward appearances. Just trying to stay positive, but that is hard to do. Dr Li's nurse practitioner is a man, Mike Ball, he is nice and I told him about my headaches and that I can wake up with them, have them all day, etc...., he had a CT of my brain done along with my neck and it showed that I had white matter infarction in the left frontal lobe. Wonderful 
HEAD:
 Impression

IMPRESSION:
1. No acute intracranial abnormality.
2. Small focal area of hypoattenuation within the left frontal
subcortical white matter that most likely reflects a small remote
white matter infarction.

NECK:
FINDINGS: 
Alignment: Trace anterolisthesis of C3 on C4. 
Occipital Condyles: The occipital condyles are normal in appearance.
Trauma: No fractures or facet dislocations. No prevertebral soft
tissue swelling.
Vertebral Body Heights: Normal.

Postoperative changes are observed status post C5-C7 ACDF. Hardware is
in unchanged position and is intact. There are fusion changes across
both disc interspaces. Mild left neural foraminal stenosis at C3-C4
secondary to facet degeneration. Moderate bilateral neural foraminal
stenosis at C5-C6 due to uncovertebral joint hypertrophy. Mild
bilateral neural foraminal stenosis at C6-C7 due to uncovertebral
joint hypertrophy.

     Today I go to my gastroenterologist to find out what is going to be done about the sliding hernia that upsets my stomach so along with the severe acid relux. I get tired of throwing up every week. Not to mention all this weight gain due directly to my meds and conditions. urrrrrrg, life can be so unfair. 
     
     I have been looking for new housing to get out of this area. There is NOTHING that keeps me grounded here. Very sad and depressed. I HATE HATE HATE the south and the crime, attitudes, heat that it brings.

What will happen to my son when I'm gone?

   

PTSD and Autism Parents

June 22, 2019 time: 1344


Another blogger wrote this article
https://wwfpictures.blogspot.com/2019/06/traumatic-stress-and-mothering-child.html?m=1&fbclid=IwAR2d0Ui2vnjFBXVl-LDpAbWTI1okYZAPyC51mU7gH3xvzwFgFZdvaWXbpFY

     Sydney has been doing well and Doc Baltz took him off Respidol and put him on Abilify. His quick anger returned for a few days and then evened out, he showed me last night that his breast tissue had gone down and lifted his T-shirt while I palpated around them. He says they are no linger sore.
     As always he is still obsessed with Freddy glove making, making fake hatchet knives, and other grizzly things. But he is happy in his world, and I'm happy for him in that reguard but wish he had friends. We were suppose to go blueberry picking but the heat index is 105 both yesterday and today. Too hot for man or beast.
   
     I went for neurology check-up a few days ago, I had Vit D levels checked (scale is 30-100) and it seems I am at a 36, on the low side and I suppose that I will get another Rx for that. I had another Xray and I asked for a copy on disc, it clearly shows that there is absolutely NO fusion in C5-6 allograft. It was hard to tell on C6-7 as it was obstructed, but I will await the result just the same. I stay in pain and as I vented my frustration to Michael, Dr Lee's NP he returned back into the room with a self-charting mental test. Seems that I rated a 30 on the test, 31 is sever depression. He said I needed to relax and find a way to vent my frustrations. I lost it because I was so pissed off at my sister for not telling me in person that my mother was in the hospital. I wiped my hands of her and now I feel saddened but better.
     I will venture out on my own to go pick berries shortly and head off to Memphis later tonight. Torture on me to drive anymore. Edema is horrendous as well as bending the neck. I'm caught in a situation. SSDI lawyer will be contacted this week coming, I cannot continue like this.

Not Giving Up On You

https://www.facebook.com/musiccrowns/videos/459732317902895/

A Rocky Mother's Day

May 12, 2019 time: 0909

While at work Sydney sends me a message that someone is hitting the house with rocks and he is a bit scared. I told him I would call the police and did so. He later replies to my message that he thought it was Phil and his friends, all I think is, WHY? When I get home I see that there is a rock on the roof at the front of the house directly in front of their driveway, I then look in the yard and get a handful of rocks out of the yard that were not there when I mowed just days earlier. Phil I fear is such a loaner and will be heading for trouble because he seeks approval from his friends and always, always, always there is issues with him that has wedged  in between Jimmy and my friendship. Though pure observation and my personal opinion I do believe that Phil has also started a few fires of abandoned houses directly around the neighborhood, I cannot prove it and it is my opinion that because he was on the fire department (not known if he still is) that he was seeking excitement. He has some serious issues I feel.
Yesterday when I got home Sydney had made me an egg with the Tupperware Breakfast Maker, he thought it was Mother's Day. I is very caring and clingy when it comes to me and I don;t mind it at all. At least he has me, unfortunately only I, Mr Micah Lipscomb from Arkansas Connections Academy, and his case workers understand him. At state testing last week Mr Lipscomb saw that Sydney was stiming with his hands and immediately had directed Sydney to a quiet chair in the hallway while waiting for testing to begin, I was ELATED that he was knowledgeable in stiming and meltdowns.
In the morning I go to my pain management appointment to get ready for my nerve block scheduled for the 24th of this month. I pray it works. 

Is This All There Is?

January 5, 2019 time: 0425

     So Sydney had to show me the fingers that he made with some outside finds of  Co2 cartridges and copper wire. For Christmas I got him another Freddy look-a-like glove, 3 bottles of latex, an acrylic paint kit with about 15 paint jars in it, a bad replica of a Freddy hat, Leatherface movie, and something else. I felt that it was slim pickings but he was happy with our little tabletop tensile tree and the pot roast he asked me to fix for Christmas dinner. It was just us two.
     He is excited that I am taking him to see Jim for the weekend, we are going to meet at a gas station because my car sits so low to the ground and I will no doubt get stuck on his mushy gravel and mud road. I will let Sydney stay for a few days, Jim says he will let him paint his ceiling that he cannot reach.
     Sydney was good in cleaning part of his room and I can see his floor now. I am still not happy that his therapists have changed after Artis has left to stay in Memphis versus traveling to Crime City Marianna. I will see in time if he is being helped.
     School is going just so-so for him. He has so much problems with math, I wish I could help him with it. I could but then as he progresses with my assistance then I would not be able to go any further only because of my short comings in math myself.

     I have been on antidepressants for 3 weeks and feel no difference, I will send my NP a message and let her know they are not helping. I saw Dr Li at NEA Baptist and she has now released me to a NP also. I told her that my chest now has gone numb but she said that she knew that I was not a good candidate for surgery due to my crappy bones and I have my first appointment with pain management in March ( I look forward to the nerve block now!!!), the soonest they could get me in. I sit here crying from just thinking of all the pain that I stay in. Dr Li said she was proud of me at my 9 month mark for stopping smoking despite the 50# weight gain. So size 6's sit in my closet while I fit into size 14/16 now. Depressing. She said that also did not help that even being on 50,000IU of Vitamin D I am still low 30-100 is normal and I am at 37. She told me to double up on them. She said that is also what is contributing to my depression and that I should get a sun lamp to help.
     My house has never been fully unpacked and put away, I just sit and look at it with no umph to get up and deal with it. Is this all there is for me now? The garbage men came yesterday and I will get rid of A LOT of stuff while Sydney is gone.
Maybe I will feel better if my place is in better shape. I will honestly try.